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They asked us for a sheep and we made sure they knew exactly what they were getting in the bargain. Our Sheep is quite a diva…

Ewe Oughta Be in Pictures

From: “Patrick X. XXXXXXXX” <patrick@XXXXXXXXXXX.org>
Date: May 30, 2015 at 1:20:18 PM CDT
To: orders@muttonbone.com
Subject: serial inflatable love

Hi there!

I am a filmmaker from the UK and we are currently in the pre-production of our project Jäsøn, a satirical webserial about a wannabe serial killer, who never seriously harms anyone… knowingly.

One of the running gangs of the series is to show a different blow up doll in the background of each episode. And we want to invite your lovely sheep to appearance in on of our episodes. I attached a little bit of information about the series. If you have any questions or would like to have Ewe appear in our show, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Regards,
Patrick

From: Al Ranchhand <orders@muttonbone.com>
Date: May 31, 2015 at 4:30:12 PM CDT
To: Patrick X. XXXXXXXX” <patrick@XXXXXXXXXXX.org>
Subject: Re: serial inflatable love

Hi Patrick,

Sounds good. We’ll even waive the cost of our sheep. Can you handle airfare? Please be aware that our sheep is somewhat of a diva. Aside from requiring first class airfare, she’ll need a few things ready upon her arrival. She requires a selection of 7 pool boys of varying heights and accents to rub her shoulders during production hours.

She will supply her own make-up, hair and spiritual staffing, but they will need the same first class accommodations and round-the-clock concierge service. At times our sheep may require help selecting restaurants, discos and sheering services. Oh! I forgot about the sheering! 4 times a day. Any less and she gets too warm to perform that day, then it’s just ice baths filled with champagne and pool boys until she can go on living again.

blog-tv-1

Speaking of living, please make sure there are NO WOLVES in the studio. Although dynamically attractive, alluring and sensational, our sheep seem to bring out the worst in wolves. I cannot stress strongly enough how important our sheep’s NO WOLVES policy is. Let’s put it this way and say you were at your local outdoor market, just enjoying the beautiful day, saying hi to some neighbors, “Oh is that Roger? When did he get a new dog?”, you know, just buying some much needed foodstuffs “I’ll take some of that expensive farm raised bacon flavored with beef! Why yes I’m having a dinner party tonight. Ooooh avocados! I hear those are great for everything! And everyone just loves Patrick’s Paprika Pavocado Pops! They’re almost as good as Patrick’s Chicken Finger Licks. I’m going to put some of this avocado on that nasty rash too. What? You think it’s crazy to put avocado on a rash that color? But the internet said… Ahhhgg! Help! I’m being eaten by a wolf!”

blog-tv-2

Other than those simple requests and some sort of Special Thanks to the proud men and women of Muttonbone.com and their wonderful Original Love Ewe. We should be good to go. Let me know how you’d like to proceed.

Al Ranchhand

From: “Patrick X. XXXXXXXX” <patrick@XXXXXXXXXXX.org>
Date: Jun 13, 2015 at 9:45 AM CDT
To: orders@muttonbone.com
Re: serial inflatable love

Hi Al!

I am sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier. But next to a whole lot of work, I had to go out and hunt wolves in the area, as to your request. I am happy to report, that there are no more wolves anywhere near us, which, i have to admit, is not due to my hunting, but because there not been seen wolves in England for over hundred years – I just wish I would have found out before I went deep undercover for a week. A few stray dogs and cats, but the sheep farming in England has a lot of traditions, and apparently the well being of these particular member of the even-toed ungulates is held in high regards.

I am happy to hear that you are willing to let Ewe out of her corral to fly to the UK for such an adventure. While it depends on the amount of fare for air, i am sure we can work these costs out and we certainly appreciate the free inflatable ovis aries, and will make our appreciation known appropriately, with at least a thankful mention in the credits. [maybe sending more than one sheep would be advisable, just in case, so that shooting does not need to halt should something happen to it – goat forbid]

Of course, should you be interested to make her a superstar and a much more prominent feature in our show, we are open to suggestions. Anything from small donations for more screen time, to an episodes story revolving around Ewe – what I am trying to say is: we can be bought and are not ashamed to admit it.
[It is not our intention to sell you anything, but we are always looking for budget; and we want to integrate episode sponsoring anyway and are happy do to product placement and advertisement, as long as it does not compromise our stories. So should you be interested, you are welcome to get back to us on that – but we will most certainly make sure the generosity you show us by sending us your product, will be mentioned more than once in our Jäsøn campaign, regardless of what else happens.]

About the conditions… due to budget constrains, I can only provide one fat small person and a shower for now, but he is a jazz trumpet player, so he got air to spare and certainly will keep Ewe happy, shiny and afloat. We have allocated a sheep herder to guide her around town, sheeping and frolicking on the finest grass growing hills northern England can provide – all guaranteed wolf-free.
We are European however and like a little fluff, so we would appreciate it, if Ewe would forfeit the total loss of wool and instead get a neat and fashionable trim once in a while – it is cool in northern England and Ewe might appreciate the layer of warm h-air, when the northern winds blow. But we will of course accommodate her wishes – we even have a couple of very eager welsh dudes lined up who want to volunteered, to pamper to ewe’s sheepish needs; so she should be in good, sheep loving hands. I hope this is acceptable to you and Ewe.

Should you send us Ewe, we will need a signed release that we are allowed to use her, as well as your brand, trademarks, logos etc., so that we are allowed to depict and use them, in the actual show and all attached marketing, advertisement etc. We have to make sure that we can depict it all, without getting sued later 😉 We will also make sure you get some cool material out of it too (video clips, pictures, mentions etc). Please find the release form attached as a PDF – it’s meant to be simple and short and void of legal BS, while protecting us from any liability, while granting us the rights to use Love Ewe for our production and what goes with it, as long as it is part of Jäsøn. Should you have questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Otherwise, just give Ewe the release form when you send her over.

Last but not least, I have to admit that i am somewhat intrigued by Patrick’s Paprika Pavocado Pops, maybe even more by Patrick’s Chicken Finger Licks. As i am currently living, on my own accord and free will, in a country that has no serious relationship to good tasting food, unless Jamie Oliver has a show on, so I am not entirely sure how I should react. But why not explore frozen tastes beyond that of mundane vanilla, common chocolate and every-day strawberry cheesecake fudge. I’d wish I had a reason to go to New York – if I did, I would probably try finding those wicked Patrick’s flavours. Not only to accommodate my narcissism, but because I really need to get a taste of that crazy…
I hope wool harvest was good and wolves are rare.
best regards
Patrick

From: Al Ranchhand <orders@muttonbone.com>
Date: Jun 18, 2015 at 12:02 PM CDT
To: Patrick X. XXXXXXXX” <patrick@XXXXXXXXXXX.org>
Subject: Re: serial inflatable love

I had no idea that wolves were extinct in London! I am sure that there is daily rioting by animal welfare groups demanding that wolves be released back on to city streets immediately. On the other hand, our Love Ewe are clamoring to move our warehouses to London immediately. I only wish that we could donate more of our money to London Wolf Farming (or how ever one makes wolves) but alas our pockets are quite empty. As I’m sure you’ll be shocked to hear, the business of inflatable sheep does not lend itself to the riches it did in the heyday of the the 1920s. Back then our sheep were able to get on stage as flappers anytime they pleased. Profits were booming! So we’re sorry to admit that although we’d love to pay you to do all kinds of things with our sheep on screen, we cannot afford such lewd luxuries. We can afford is to send you two or three of sheep and sign the document attached.

Bring-Back-Our-Wolves

Your offer to substitute our ewe’s request for pool boys for some dude in a shower with a trumpet is not only acceptable it’s ironic. Our sheep prefer men with trumpets and bath water to any other fantasy they may develop. Please make sure that the man is well versed in both literature and and the history of beer. Our sheep doesn’t like beer, but she likes her wet brass men both educated and liquored up.

movie-sheep-trumpet

It sounds like there’s quite a void awaiting you on London’s foodie scene. Have you considered contacting the BBC with your proposal for The Love Ewe presents Wicked Patrick’s Falvours. You obviously have all of the equipment necessary to produce a wonderful pilot episode. You just need a hook of some sort. I’m personally a big fan of what I call, The Man Who Screams in the Kitchen or what the networks here call Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. It’s much different than the UK’s version of his show where he appears to respectfully whisper his advice to restauranteurs. In the US version you basically wait until the restaurant owners breakdown crying after being served a heaping plate of You’re-totally-fucking-fucked-you-dumb-shit-enjoy-life-in-the-streets by Ramsay. Perhaps you could go a step further – roughing up the owners a little after you’re done yelling at them on the Wicked-Cam™. Maybe steal their cars or online passwords to buy expensive cheeses. Really, the key here is not to set Ramsay’s antics as the bar but as a springboard into your future.

wicked-patricks-flavours

Bon Appétit!
Al Ranchhand

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