From: “Reno XXXXXXXX” <renoXXXXXX@XXXXX.com>
Date: Nov 19, 2015 at 4:46:35 PM CST
Subject: Best Jell-O shot holder ever
Morning! So I just want to let y’all know this is the greatest thing I have ever bought for drinking. Me and my buddies went on a canoe trip and we just happened to have one of these. And we just happened to take Jell-O shots out of its orifice. Pretty god damn great. Anyways, thanks for the best thing we could have that day.
From: Al Ranchhand <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Dec 2, 2015 at 012:11:32 PM
To: “Reno XXXXXXXX” <renoXXXXXX@XXXXX.com>
Re: Best Jell-O shot holder ever
Thank goodness! Someone finally figured out what that slot is for! You’d be shocked to hear what people have been putting in there. Shocked, I say!
Unfortunately, that sir, is not our sheep, sir. That is an inferior, tiny sheep with naked legs. That is a sheep that violates the very thing that makes us work so hard to provide the world with life-sized inflatable love ewe… in lingerie. Our superior sheep is meant for a man of your obvious enlarged needs. The vastness, length and girth of which needs, nay! Lusts! For the hottest, wettest, tangiest, celery-filled pleasures known to man. Yes, Sir! Nothing goes better with a basil frittata than a tasty Bloody Mary served from a vinyl ovine vulva. Our sheep like theirs heavy on tabasco and none-to-shy with the vodka. Spicy, Sir!
Image Source: http://tinyurl.com/oh5voo8
Obviously this visage of you in nautical repose bids that there were several sheep totting beverages involved in the day leading up to this photo. I’m sure that you were the better man for it. Good for you! But the size of your sheep must have always left you wanting more. I don’t know what terrifying amounts of Light Green Jell-O Shots you had to consume to satisfy your urges, but the pace of consumption must have been maddening.
Needless to say your image has left quite an impression on us. Have you considered modeling? We weren’t thinking about starting any new campaigns but damned if we aren’t interested now. I’m imagining something akin to The Worlds Most Interesting Man campaign…
But quite possibly something more like this…
It’s a love story… Or is it a murder mystery? Or perhaps a post-apocalyptic zombie thriller? The look on your face gives nothing away! Regardless, I’m sure the masses will be intrigued!
I personally think that you would enjoy a better sheep than the one you are holding in the photo you sent us. If you feel that the heart wants what it wants and can’t imagine parting from your current sheep — then by all means stop reading now. I understand young love in these trying times. But if you’d like to move on from your current relationship, please let me know. I’ll send one of our sheep right over! Our girls are vying to meet you for free!
Fair Winds and Following Seas,